


Something Other Than Fear

by bethfury



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-26
Updated: 2013-05-26
Packaged: 2017-12-13 01:45:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 14,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/818511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bethfury/pseuds/bethfury
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was supposed to be a master class for biotics at Grissom Academy. It was supposed to be a quiet weekend as celebrities for the students and running recruitment for the Alliance. But the lights have gone out and the radios aren’t working and their best laid plans never seem to come true. Kaidan and Shepard fight a new enemy in a post-Reaper world.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> [](http://www.flickr.com/photos/greendelle/8829708494/)
> 
> All art by Greendelle - http://www.flickr.com/photos/greendelle/sets/72157633689042770/
> 
> I love Bioware fandom and every Big Bang is awesome. Thank you so much to Azzy and BioticBooty for all of their hard work! Also, thank you so much to Greendelle who was a total gift and brought the story to life. She was wonderful and I can't wait for everyone to get to see her work.

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/greendelle/8829709212/)  


* * *

 “We are ten minutes out, Shepard,” Joker’s voice announced over the comm.

Shepard shook her head in front of the mirror, applying the last of her lip stain, “And how late are we? Three hours or just two hours forty-five minutes.”

“Jack was her sunny polite self and understood completely that you had gotten held up in meetings, so we were forced to leave late.” Joker reassured her with a sarcastic tinge, “She was very respectful of your role in council politics.”

She paused, shutting her eyes in irritation, “Really?”

“Yes, because it is opposite day,” he replied before changing his answer, “No, I just translated her crazy bitch into a nicer explanation.”

“Thanks Joker,” Kaidan chimed in, “We’ll be down in a minute.”

“And thank you for giving me the weekend off,” he nearly beamed over the channel over his upcoming trip, “Traynor and I are visiting Kahlee Sanders’ lab on the Citadel. Her team thinks they may have a new lead for EDI.”

“Well, I’m sure Jack will miss you,” Kaidan responded as Shepard continued getting ready with a slightly wider smile, “And hopefully you’ll get good news.”

“Jack actually told me she wouldn’t miss me, was glad I was leaving, and that I owed her several drinks during her next leave on the Citadel,” Joker informed him, “And Shepard, we’re now eight minutes out.”

She sighed, “Thank you Joker.”

“Aye-aye Admiral,” he closed the comm.

“This doesn’t count as our vacation,” Kaidan proclaimed from their bedroom as Shepard arranged her hair into a soft knot in the bathroom.

Shepard nodded her head in front of the mirror, before grabbing her make-up bag and heading out to face him.

“This better not count, otherwise the bathing suit I bought will be going to waste, because I don’t think they have a pool,” Shepard resolutely, before turning to finish packing her bag.

The invitation to visit Grissom Academy had come months ago to Kaidan, but it had only turned into an order from Fleet Admiral Hackett in the last few weeks.

“We need new recruits for the squad, we need leadership eyes on the Academy, and you and Shepard need a weekend off,” Hackett announced during a Spec Ops meeting over the comm.

Kaidan frowned, “I don’t have the best track record with biotic schools.”

“Rear Admiral Alenko, you know better what we need to watch out for,” he had explained, “We still can’t fully staff the station and we need more eyes on how the rebuilding is going. Also we need to draw more attention for funding, a visit from you and Shepard would be perfect.”

In the wake of the Reaper war, Kaidan’s division had fared extremely well in comparison to many other groups. The losses had been minor even if media attention and Alliance compliments awarded to their efforts had been minimal due to continued fear of growing too dependent on biotics. But working in conjunction with the Council, their goal had expanded to a multi-species vision to share resources and assist with intergalactic issues. With that in mind, the Alliance still wanted to make sure the makeup of the squad was heavily focused on the most talented young human biotics and that Grissom Academy was training those biotics.

While Kaidan’s squad had done well and Jack’s platoon had been exceptional, young human biotics had suffered greatly during the Reaper war. From the attack at Grissom Academy to attacks on outlying colony schools, too many children had suffered fates that were especially brutal due to Cerberus and Reaper attention. They hadn’t just lost actual biotics, but they had lost possibility and potential, fewer chances of the discovery of a new student or birth of a new gifted child.

Kaidan had asked Shepard one day in a market what she thought it meant that the cereals seemed to have fewer cartoon characters on the boxes and sugar in the ingredients.

Both of them had seen reports of losses with lists and talleys of sterile recountings of population centers or cultures. But neither had seen the same image before, the venn diagram of their needs and focus only overlapping slightly.

Shepard knew how many children were estimated missing, she knew the percentage of those children who would one day have awakened biotics. She knew the numbers and she owned the numbers in an exact surgical understanding and in what the absence of children meant. She knew to look at the empty playgrounds or the reports of closing schools. Shepard knew what to look for in the listless eyes of the men and women who passed by the graying missing persons bulletin boards in all of the major cities.

She explained deliberately and he wrapped an arm around her before choosing letting her choose their week’s breakfast and heading directly to the ice cream aisle.

“Shepard said she agrees but wants it to be you call,” Hackett played his final card as Kaidan realized he had entered the conversation.

Kaidan nodded, “When do we leave?”

“Next Friday through Monday,” he confirmed, “The students are very excited. Hackett out.”

At its height, the Jon Grissom Academy and the space station over Elysium held almost 9000 residents and visitors. But after the events of the Reaper War and Cerberus takeover, the station and staff had been reduced significantly. Elysium was still being rebuilt below and the Alliance was still working to secure some colonies from pirates who had moved in.

It now held a few hundred residents with several wings of the station fully shuttered. Jack had returned almost immediately after the war to begin rebuilding and they were working with their second new class of students.

“Do you want to show me your bathing suit?” Kaidan asked, walking up to wrap his arms around Shepard, “I’m sure we have time.”

“Actually Alenko, you don’t have time and I’m not explaining to Jack why you are late,” Joker chimed in, “Five minutes out Shepard.”

Shepard shrugged with a sly smile, “Don’t worry about it, there isn’t actually much to look at with such tiny fabric and very see-through when wet.”

“Now you are just messing with me,” Kaidan pulled her a little closer.

[](http://www.flickr.com/photos/greendelle/8829708454/)

“Who says I didn’t still pack it?” Shepard grinned before pulling away, “But we are late so grab the suitcases.”

She picked up several bags on her own, pulling a few additional data pads off the desk, “Did we forget anything?”

“Five bags for three days, not counting our armor locker downstairs,” Kaidan nodded, “If we forgot anything, I think we should ask Chakwas to check us out.”

The elevator arrived as Shepard peered into the fish tank, “Be good fish. Watch out for any doppelgangers.”

Kaidan laughed as he pulled their luggage onto the car, “Come on, Jack is transferring her Joker anger onto me as we speak.”

They both headed down to the exit, as Joker swung around in his chair, “You both stay out of trouble.”

“Yes sir,” Shepard gave a small salute.

[](http://www.flickr.com/photos/greendelle/8829708358/)

Joker’s tone stayed serious, “Don’t investigate any mysteries, look too far into any suspicious situations, or participate in any capers.”

“What about mischief?” Kaidan asked.

“You be the judge of how much mischief to participate in and you call me if you need me,” Joker broke into a smile, “I’m only a few light years away.”

The door opened in front of them, but Shepard turned with a curtsy before leaving, “Aye Aye Joker.”

She turned back to see an enormous blurry shape coming directly at her.

Eezo had thrown her and bounded onto her chest before Shepard even saw Jack turn the corner.

He nuzzled her cheek affectionately as Shepard heard the sound of combat boots approaching.

“You’re late,” Jack stared down with a grin as Eezo lept back to her owner’s side.

Shepard smiled, “Good to see you too Jack.”


	2. Chapter 2

“Do you need me to talk to the Council, remind them that Shepard has better shit to do than listen to them bitch? Or do you need me to tell Joker to start driving faster so the stories people tell about how awesome he is aren’t just BS?” Jack asked, as they followed her into the cafeteria, “You both missed dinner with the students and faculty.”

“I did warn him that I’d be late for fish sticks or square pizza or whatever you are forcing your biotics to eat,” Shepard laughed, “But I’ll will definitely tell him that you love him and miss him viciously.”

Jack paused to give her a disgusted look, “Or you could just point out where the gas pedal is.”

“Love and adoration, check!” Shepard confirmed, “Now, where is my pudding cup and vegetable medley?”

“No pudding cups for special guest Rear Admiral Alenko,” Jack smirked, “You show up and suddenly we’re getting freshly baked cookies and bacon.”

Kaidan’s eyes lit up, “I love both of those things-.”

“That’s hilarious because you missed both of them,” Jack cut him off, gesturing to a nearby table, “so you guys are getting peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and fruit medley.”

“Fruit cups?” Kaidan looked shocked.

“But the cookies and the bacon were delicious,” Jack patted him on the back in mock pity, “Don’t worry though because I’m sure we’ll waste more of the budget on a fancy breakfast as well.”

“I love both peanut butter and jelly and fruit in syrup,” Shepard responded, taking a seat at the table, “You both are so spoiled. In the colony, sometimes we didn’t even have bread, had to eat the peanut butter by itself.”

Jack pointed at herself, “Raised in a prison, I win the hard childhood battle.”

Kaidan chuckled, “Attended secret biotic school, I think I come in second.”

“You are both more maladjusted than me but neither of you are as hungry,” Shepard shrugged her shoulders, “Now, where is the food?”

The kitchen doors swung open as a three people entered, each carrying ingredients for the meal and cans of biotic electrolyte drinks. All were wearing the uniform of the Grissom staff, or at least what Shepard was able to piece together as the Grissom uniform based on Jack’s own personal remix of its pieces.

A young woman excitedly ran up to the table, dumping several loaves of bread in front of Shepard, “I wasn’t sure if you’d prefer wheat or if you didn’t like gluten or if you were more of a plain white bread fan.”

“Watch out Gomez, Shepard had a childhood trauma involving bread,” Jack joked as the young woman’s brown eyes widened.

“I’m so sorry,” Gomez started to backpedal, “I didn’t know, would you actually prefer crackers?”

Shepard laughed, pulling the white bread loaf, “Don’t ever take Jack seriously unless she says she’ll wipe the floor with you. In which case, run.”

The woman nervously joined in the laughter, “I have no ability to tell when someone is lying, it is why they never have me on late night duty with the students.”

“They convinced her that they had an evening experiment involving some sort of alcohol created under a bed, poker playing, and a co-ed sleepover,” an older man approached, placing a set of plates and utensils, “I’m Dr. Kurt Flannery, it is a pleasure to meet both of you.”

“And I’m Dr. Beatriz Gomez and it is a complete embarrassment to meet both of you as well,” the young woman took a seat across from Shepard, burying her head in her arms.

A third man followed, cradling a set of jam and peanut butter, “My name is Charles Logan, but I think I should get to introduce myself first in the future since I don’t have doctor in front of my name. Multiple degrees, but not a doctor.”

The men also took seats at the table as Jack stood, “Shep, it’s been real but I’m going to check out from this meeting of the Kaidan Alenko fanclub.”

“But Jack, I thought you were the president!” Kaidan said with mock outrage.

“Nope, that’s the fine woman next to you with the questionable taste who allows you to bang her,” Jack grinned as Dr. Gomez turned a brighter shade of red, “Sadly, I am the lucky bitch who won night watch for the students, but I’ll be there to wake you both up tomorrow.”

“I’ll show them to their room tonight,” Charles volunteered as Jack left the room, “As long as you two handle dishes.”

Dr. Gomez enthusiastically nodded, “Of course! Anything to talk about to the L2, I mean, Rear Admiral Alenko.”

“Dr. Gomez is our resident L2 obsessive,” explained Dr. Flannery, “I’m much more interested in talking about your training schedule for your biotic squad.”

“Did either of you nerds think that they might not want to talk about that right after arriving?” Charles shook his head, “Or maybe they’d want a chance to eat.”

Shepard paused, mid-bite through her third fruit cup, “Kaidan loves talking about all things biotic, even if it means that I get his fruit.”

Kaidan pushed the container over to her, “I’m happy to answer any questions you all might have, but I’ll be here all weekend for that. Unless one of you can tell me that any dessert is left over.”

Another older woman popped out from the kitchen with a grin, displaying a tray of warm cookies, “I love being able to save the day.”

Dr. Flannery laughed, “And that is my wife, the other Dr. Flannery.”

She approached the table putting down a tray, “Nice to meet you both, my name is Siobhan and I’m the school’s medical doctor.”

Shepard dropped her empty fruit cup and grabbed one of the cookies, “I feel like Kaidan’s gotten the red carpet treatment, is this the entire staff?”

“We do have a staff of Alliance guards and we have a few other colleagues who are taking care of other responsibilities since we all do double duty with teaching and something like security or facilities,” Charles explained, ‘But I’m actually in charge of the Admiral Shepard red carpet experience since I’m the tech nerd at the school.”

“Does this mean I won’t have to sit through Kaidan’s lecture?” her eyes briefly lit up before turning to her husband, “Not that you aren’t very interesting and a great speaker, but I would much rather go play.”

Kaidan looked up from his sandwich and paused as if to say something, before shaking his head and continuing to eat.

Charles laughed, “I think I can arrange something fun, if I can play with your Savant.”

The table chuckled as it was now Charles’ chance to blush, “I just mean your omnitool, and now I’m the same color as Beatriz.”

“Another Savant fan,” Shepard cheered, “Two for the Savant, one for the Logic Arrest.”

Again, Kaidan looked up as if to comment, before shaking his head again and grabbing two of the cookies.

“While all of this omnitool debate is riveting,” Siobhan spoke up, “I think it is probably time for us to call it a night, some of us still have dishes or papers to grade.”

“Also, Jane has finished all of the cookies,” Kaidan stood up from his chair, “Which usually means the meal is over.”

Shepard looked longingly at the empty tray, “You are sadly right and they were delicious.”

Charles stood with them, “Let me show you to your room.”

“Good night everyone!” Kaidan said warmly as Shepard nodded in agreement, “I look forward to meeting with all of you.”

After saying their good nights, Charles took them down several quiet hallways in the opposite direction as the rest of the group. “We have you all staying in our guest quarters,” he explained, “It will be quiet and the view is wonderful.”

The trio passed a sleepy-eyed Private who jumped to attention as they passed to salute, “Good evening Sirs!”

All three saluted in return before Charles spoke up, “At ease Private, make sure to keep things peaceful for our guests.”

The young soldier enthusiastically agreed, “Of course, no one will bother them at all.”

They continued to the end of the hallway where Charles stopped to enter a code into a keypad and open the door to their cabin. “I’ll leave you both for now,” Charles gestured for them to enter, “If you need anything, just ask Private Sierra in the hall.”

Shepard stuck out her hand to shake Charles’, “Thanks for your help so far.”

“My pleasure, but remember Admiral, you and I have a date with your omnitool,” he smiled, before letting the door shut in front of him.

The room was a large luxury cabin with their luggage stacked in one corner and an attached washroom. Shepard looked excitedly in the bathroom, “There is a gorgeous shower!”

Kaidan laughed, “Doesn’t our cabin on the Normandy have a very nice shower?”

Shepard shook her head in disagreement, “Not with a programmable massage shower head.”

“Why don’t you take the bathroom first and I’ll unpack a little?” Kaidan offered, sitting on the bed, “And then you’ll help me in testing out the quality of our lodgings.”

Shepard grinned, “Send a rescue party if I’m not back in thirty minutes, or maybe, come and join me.”

In the months since their wedding, they had both gotten used to certain quirks. Kaidan had accepted Shepard’s icy cold feet under the blankets and Shepard had accepted his mouth guard from teeth grinding. He knew her bedtime routine featured a mass effect field toothbrush that Samantha could never know about and lotions recommended by Liara from Thessia.

Shepard was also familiar with his multiple glasses of water left strewn about his night table and, as she exited the bathroom, she was confronted with her least favorite bedtime tradition, Kaidan’s inability to leave work outside of their free time.

“Kaidan, I think we should get to bed,” Shepard sat beside him on the bed, reaching a hand over to cover his datapad, “You are supposed to be on vacation.”

Kaidan put down the tool on the nightstand, “This is a vacation for you, this is a recruiting and teaching trip for me.”

“But expense reports? While you are on a quiet semi-secluded trip with your beautiful spouse?” Shepard pointed to the window, “And with this view!”

“Expense reports help me fall asleep,” he admitted, before turning to face his wife, “But you know what else helps me sleep?”

She gave him a sly smirk, inching her body closer to his, “I think I can guess.”

He moved to kiss her but they both paused as a slow rumble began to repeat in the distance. As the noise began to grew closer, they could make out the individual explosions occurring in a steady cadence throughout the station. Shepard’s eyes widened as she leapt out from the bed to reach her pistol and the final explosion rang from outside their room. 

“I guess we aren’t sleeping tonight,” he frowned, jumping up to grab his omnitool.

She matched his grimace, “And I guess this is no longer a vacation for me either.”


	3. Chapter 3

Emergency beacons on each corner glowed a hazy orange spotlight into the hallway through the smoke as Shepard slowly emerged from their cabin, weapon drawn. Kaidan followed close behind, both of them flaring their biotic barrier over their pajamas. The air around them was acrid and seemed to be thrumming with ozone, setting off an internal alarm in her chest and raising all of the hair on her arms. Her mind never remembered to tell her to run away or hide, but her eyes cast quickly over to Kaidan as it told her to protect him.

He approached the wall across from them where a hole had been jaggedly created through the metal and material, leaving pebbles and wreckage strewn across the floor. A smell of sulfur lingered as Kaidan ran his fingers over the crack, “Looks and smells like a modded incendiary grenade, something to increase the damage potential.”

“To what end?” she questioned, examining the scene, “It doesn’t look large enough for structural damage.”

“My guess, distraction,” Kaidan peered into the hole, “This is just another empty bedroom across from us.”

“You know, I could grow peaches or apples,” she said quietly, staring down at the floor to kick at a piece of rubble, “I think being a farmer would be nice, fewer grenades.”

He smiled, looking back at her, “You would be a great farmer, very handy in combat with a pitchfork.”

“I could grow peaches and tend to goats and use my biotics to carry hay,” Shepard responded as she looked up to meet his gaze, “I’m sorry about your quiet weekend.”

He shushed her, wrapping an arm around her shoulder, “Quiet is boring and I want a life with you whether that is with peaches or gunplay or a ruffled prairie apron.”

“You would look pretty cute in a frilly apron,” her face finally broke into a grin, “Would you also bake pies with my peaches?”

“I bake a blue-ribbon pie, 2-time victor of the Belnap County 4H Fair,” he claimed, holding up his fingers for emphasis, “but I don’t think you could go a day without hacking something.”

“Fruit trees don’t need to be hacked?” she asked innocently, begin a quick scan of the area on her omnitool, ”This farming plan might not work out if I can only mod my tractor.”

Her search of local channels revealed no distress call or emergency beacon. But there wasn’t just a lack of danger warnings, there was a lack of any chatter. No children writing letters to their family or security guards checking in on a nightly patrol, all networks on the school were silent.

In the aftermath of the blasts that echoed through the building, there had been no screams or frantic calls for evacuation. No one was running through the halls to assist or crying out for help in the corridors. She shut her eyes for a moment, trying to seek out any sign of life near their room. The staff had chosen to put them in guest quarters that were separate from all other living areas, but the guard who had been positioned at the end was missing from his post.

“What is that phrase again?” Kaidan quickly checked his perimeter, “Everything is just a little too quiet.”

“I think that is the equivalent of asking ‘what could go wrong?’,” Shepard started back into their room, “And to think, you told me packing the armor was going overboard?”

“I forgot your tendency to find trouble anywhere,” he followed her and began gathering his gear.

She paused for a moment, wagging a finger, “Not this time Kaidan, this time the invite was completely for you.”

“It is one of the things we have in common: our ability to find ourselves in life-threatening situations,” he shrugged, loading both weapons, “But it didn’t really start until I met you.”

She started securing her breastplate, “I must make life so much more exciting.”

“You definitely increase our insurance rates,” Kaidan finished fastening his boots, “And yes, I wouldn’t trade it for anything.”

Shepard holstered her weapon and filed back into the still smoldering hallway, a soft rain of fire fighting liquid still failing to fully extinguish the flames. Behind her, Kaidan punched in a few commands, securing their cabin door, “This should keep everything secure.”

“I think we should split up and try and figure out what is going on,” Shepard announced, “I’d like to see if we can avoid any major violence if this is just some angry biotic teens rioting or someone off their meds. We both know what can go wrong with biotics.”

He gave her a worried frown, “But what if this is a terrorist attack or a slave grab? We are going to be better as a pair.”

“We haven’t heard any commotion,” she put a hand on his arm, “But I still think you should go right to the escape pods and starting prepping so we are ready to leave immediately if necessary. Let’s not ruin Joker’s weekend off and ask for an evac unless we have to.”

“What are you going to do?” he questioned, his face still full of anxiety.

“I’m going to run in the opposite direction and make sure no one else was hurt, find Jack, and hopefully get us some answers,” Shepard removed her helmet and met him face on, “And then I’m going to meet you at the escape pods and we’re going to get the hell out of here.”

He paused briefly, before also removing his, “You better not lose communication once.”

She held up her hand as a pledge, “What did you say to me on the shuttle back from Despoina?”

Kaidan reached an arm around her waist, still not breaking eye contact, “Never again.”

“And what did I say to you in London?” Shepard asked, allowing him to pull her closer.

“You told me you would be waiting and made me promise to show up,” his face inched closer to hers.

“And what did I say to you on our wedding day?” she pulled off her glove and rested a hand on his cheek.

“That London was the last time we would ever say goodbye.”

Shepard had known many different kisses in her life. She had felt a clawing, desperate embrace; Kaidan’s breath quick and hot against her neck in between them. Her mouth remembered tiny, sweet pecks; each stolen in empty hallways or meeting rooms when they were left alone. She had taken solace against his chest and had whimpered from swollen lips as his hands pulled free her bun.

But despite the differences of each moment, all of the kisses had been always been a promise.

She sighed into the embrace as their lips met again and she relaxed against him, his hands warm and tight at her waist. Kaidan deepened it slightly and she marveled at how exhilarating it could be even when she knew it wouldn’t be the last. It wasn’t just a promise that she would try to return to him, it was the knowledge of certainty and familiarity and the molded feeling that his lips were shaped to match her own. 

Shepard finally broke the kiss, tucking her head beneath his chin, “I will answer all calls, I will take no chances, and I will meet you at the escape pods.”

“Deal,” he relented, allowing his arms to linger around her for a moment more.


	4. Chapter 4

The slices on each escape pod had been tactical, a laser swipe at the terminal to disable and remove the launch button and an another jab against them in the form of several carvings around the airlock making it unusable. Kaidan ran through a list of mental obscenities, followed by several swift kicks to the remnants of the override terminal who had suffered a much less dignified death with an obvious grenade burn where it had used to sit.

“This is Rear Admiral Alenko, we need immediate evac of Grissom Academy,” he typed into his omnitool, “all students, faculty, and guests require emergency removal, all escape pods have been damaged.”

An answer blinked back almost immediately, “12 hours.”

He grimaced at the response and briefly took it out again on the rubble of the terminal, a metallic clang rang out through the bay.

“Shepard?” Kaidan whispered into his omnitool over their shared emergency channel. He had laughed when Shepard introduced the idea but relented on the argument of, “You can’t tell me there won’t be another clone and this is our secret password.”

Silence was returned as he quickly searched the school’s security system to see if she was being picked up. A set of lifesigns appeared a few hallways ahead of him, but a quick review on the cameras showed just Jack pacing back and forth in a darkened hallway.

He continued his scan before hitting a shrouded area on the map with a small note appearing over top: Security cameras to this location have been disabled. If you have any concerns, please reach out to the security office on duty. If this is an emergency, please contact the Grissom emergency channel via any terminal on the station.

Kaidan traced Shepard’s projected path, taking her directly into the darkened areas of the most western wing of the station. He turned back towards the override terminal’s wreckage and gave one more severe kick before starting a run towards Jack’s location.

He approached her in a sprint, relief evident on his face, “I’m so glad to see you safe.”

“Calm down!” she frowned not taking her eyes off of the student’s quarters in front of her, “Where is Shepard? Did you guys get separated?”

“We split up briefly so I could find you, but she’s not responding on her omnitool now,” Kaidan slowed as the room came into clear view, the wide dormitory’s bunks each full of a sleeping body.

Jack finally turned to face him, the faint glow from the emergency lighting reflected against her eye makeup smeared with the tears falling down her cheeks. “I am going to rip apart whoever did this and I’m going to enjoy it,” she fumed.

“What happened to them?” Kaidan asked, approaching one of the closest beds cautiously. As he knelt beside the first, he could see a biotic barrier lightly rippling the surface of the child’s skin, flickering in the same pattern as their eyes.

Jack shook her head, “I have a guess, but if I’m right, we need medical attention immediately and I can’t get a hold of Dr. Flannery on the com.”

“And the staff?” Kaidan’s voice attempted to sound hopeful.

“You’ve heard of us right? A freak school run by mostly biotics,” she quickly killed his curiosity, “Plus all of the non-freak staff appear to be dead asleep in their bunks as well.”

“The escape pods are destroyed, evac will be here soon but our best bet right now is to make them comfortable,” he checked his omnitool again, “And Shepard is still MIA.”

Jack gave his arm a light punch, “It’s Shepard, I’m sure she’s just kicking ass and we’ll find her.”

“But still,” Kaidan responded, worry hanging around his eyes, “I will feel better once we’re on the Normandy and flying away from here”

Jack went beside the student’s door and pressed in a quick code to secure it shut, “I’ll lead the way, do you know which direction she went in?”

“Towards the training rooms,” Kaidan fired his barrier and pointed down the hall. 

Deeper in the facility, Shepard ducked around the corner, confronted with another series of vacant rooms and scattered cargo boxes.

“Kaidan?” she whispered into her omnitool on their emergency channel. She also reminded herself to point out later that having an emergency channel wasn’t as paranoid as he claimed.

An alarm sounded in the distance as Shepard listened for any sign of incoming security or worried teachers. In a post-Reaper world, the school had suffered cuts in both. The majority of staff had been ex-Alliance and re-enlisted after the initial attack on Earth. Shepard had only been to Grissom a handful of times prior but the change was noticeable. Emptier hallways, entire sections of rooms shuttered, and everyone was quieter from the voices at dinner time to the teachers milling in the lounge after bed.

She slumped against the wall, checking her gun’s ammo and attempting to will her omnitool to respond to her earlier message. 10 rounds, a compromise with Kaidan about how much ammunition was necessary for a quiet weekend with the students, and zero messages, no voice or text message appearing.

Shepard punched in another quick message: Joker, I know you have weekend off but I need you to come pick us up.

His response pinged her device immediately: I’ve already heard from Kaidan, the Alliance is sending a team but we’re at least half a day out. Hold the line Shepard.

She sighed, holstering her gun and standing to peer around the corner. Their tour had skipped this area of the school since the majority of space had been taken up by a simulation room that was shuttered after their practice mechs deactivated.

“True understanding comes when you can physically impact an object with your biotics!” her first instructor had ordered her, flicking a switch on the back of the mech which whirred to life, “Now, show me how far you can fling this droid!”

Shepard suppressed a small smile from the memory, peeking her head inside the unlit room to see shadows casted from the mats and lifeless mechs lined against the wall. While the Alliance and Quarians worked together to bring back advanced artificial intelligence, the rest of the galaxy had grown used to a life free of synthetics. Initial legislation had limited all private studies and personal use but Shepard had pleaded with the Council to allow some freedom.

Mechs or a reborn Geth didn’t frighten her. Ignorance and more time without EDI did.

She shut the door behind her and secured the lock before continuing her search. The walls turned into glass windows as she approached the medbay, a fine layer of dust covering the door’s keypad. Shepard scanned it with her omnitool as the door slid open, a large sign hung on the desk in front reading, “Auxiliary Medical Bay, please wait for the nurse.”

The secondary medbay held surgical facilities as well as a variety of diagnostic tools that any biotic was more than familiar with. The early months with an amp are a parade of brain scans set to the cacophony of MRIs and medical techs yelling to stay still during the test.

“Old friend, we meet again!” Shepard ran a hand over the SPECT machine with a grin before turning to the medicine cabinet, “And amp adjuster! I haven’t seen you since my last upgrade!”

She approached a large computer attached to various nodes and wires, “Biofeedback machine, you too! This is practically a reunion of all of my friends from several years of painful training and invasive medical tests. I get to go the best places.”

Shepard paused for a moment, a sudden flash of light starting and repeating in the peripheral of her vision, “I need to take a second, all of the quiet is making me go nutty.”

She tried to step forward as her body untethered from her mind. The walls shifted and bulged around her, a halo of colors shining from every emergency light. Acid burned the back of her throat as a jolt flowed down her body, from her amp to the base of her spin. Her hand reached out to grasp a nearby tray of tools that was quickly pulled out of reach.

“The muscle relaxant kicks in first,” the voice whispered from the darkness as her knees gave away, “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of you.”

“Where is everyone? Who are you?” she slurred as her palms rested against the cold woven rubber of the floor. Her blood whirred in her ears as static energy discharged visibly from her skin the darkened room.

The shadow paused for a moment to pace, her eyes unable to focus on the shape observing her. “What does your mouth taste like?” it inquired with restrained excitement, watching as Shepard attempted to stand again.

It had been an early contest on Arcturus, who could withstand the most Gs in the back of any pilot’s Trident without throwing up. Shepard hadn’t always won, the pressure twisting against her chest, vision blackening on the edges. She tried again to place a foot on the ground and felt herself restrained by gravity again, her body sinking in defeat.

“Why do I taste copper?” she asked, feeling the form move to kneel beside her as her vision blurred and shimmered around her. She tried to see their face as the scenery seemed to melt away like old celluloid in a projector.

“Biotic metabolism!” the voice exclaimed, tinny but victorious, running a heavy hand over Shepard’s hair. Each nerve attempted to gain some hint or evidence towards the hand’s owner, her mind running through wedding rings and that slight crook in the fingers coming with age.

“They are coming for me,” she choked out as hands tucked beneath her and lifted her onto the familiar brain scan.

The face knelt beside her, their breath warm on her cheek, “Let them come. I want them to come. Someone will need to collect the bodies.”

Her last memory were straps securing her into place and the large scanner warming up around her. A murky cloud appeared to fall around her as her sight was replaced with an inky nothingness.


	5. Chapter 5

The question vibrated through her entire form, “What do you regret Shepard?”

“I knew better,” she blinked her eyes open to her cabin from the first Normandy.

The voice still echoed around her as Kaidan’s face, less worn from loss and as familiar as the armor on her back, came into view. “What did you know?” her inquisition prodded, as Kaidan’s hand moved to grasp at the curve of her waist. 

“I was his superior,” she choked out as his mouth curled into a smile and her gaze traced the line of the scar crossing his lip, “It wasn’t right, I took advantage of the entire crew with that choice.”

“But you wanted him?” it questioned her still, Kaidan’s eyes confident and welcoming as he brushed her cheek with his other hand.

“I didn’t just want him, I needed him,” Shepard confessed, “I needed someone to look at me with something other than fear.”

The voice’s laughter surrounded her, “As if he wasn’t scared.”

Her monitor glowed behind her, the fabric of her shirt felt tight against her torso, and Shepard closed her eyes for just a moment to live inside the whirring of the ship and the sensation of the rise and fall of his chest when he pulled her closer.

“I could feel his pulse,” she rested against his chest, “he wasn’t. He was so calm and I was fluttering around him. He is the only one that still makes me nervous.”

“Why wasn’t he scared? The scandal would hurt him more than precious Shepard,” the laughter had ceased into a sneer at her growing calmness, “You probably would’ve gotten a wag of the finger and a vid deal for the story while he saw his career stalled out in some dump of a colony!”

Shepard sighed as his hands wrapped around her waist, “I looked into his face on Horizon and he really knew the risk, he just thought I was worth it.”

Kaidan blinked out of her sight as the room suddenly jolted and her shoulder ached where it connected with the wall.

She is her present and her past folded over and over in an origami of injuries and promises not kept. She is action and she is observer, she is the familiarity of her old ship and the new sensation of falling. Shepard takes a breath and she is surrounded by a chaos she struggled to blink away after each nightmare.

“What do you regret Shepard?” the question rolled and shuddered through her body, Kaidan’s masked face staring at her as the crew scrambled to the escape pods.

“I regret leaving him,” she answered, Kaidan’s eyes pleading with her behind the glass.

“Do you regret choosing Joker’s life?” it asked as observer Shepard’s view turned to the cockpit and actor Shepard’s finger pointed Kaidan towards the escape pod.

“Never,” her voice is tiny and stoic as Kaidan turned away from her, “I regret failing to save us both.”

A crash came again and Shepard’s body hit dirt beneath her, her palms gritty against the floor.

She is collapsing onto herself, memory on memory and scar on scar. She is expanding light, trauma and joy fracturing into paths taken and choices never made. Shepard breathes again and remembers the soft flannel of her baby blanket, the smell of her planet’s flowers in their summertime.

“What do you regret Shepard?” it continued the inquest, Shepard’s hands tiny and bruised, running over the light poesies speckled across her dress.

She can hear her mother screaming as the sunlight shone off of the mason jars holding the jams and pickled vegetables they had saved for the coming winter. The sound of bone against the metal of a pistol rings across the yard and is quickly followed by screams of laughter from the slavers.

Her father’s blood is a handprint on her bodice, seeping through into a ruddy promise against the freckles of her skin. He had lingered in the embrace, Shepard’s tears soaking his shirt as he kissed her forehead for the last time, his palm on her chest a broken promise of return.

“I regret not going back,” she watched her memory clutch her knees and fold herself into a hidden corner, “I regret not visiting.”

“Who would you visit?” the voice accused.

“I made them bury their bodies before I would leave,” she explained, the view turning from the dusty cellar to matching dirt mounds on a sunsoaked hill.

“What do you regret Shepard?” the voice seemed impatient as Shepard allowed her fingers to seep into the soil at her feet.

She is a root system, clutching to a life still being built. She is the salted earth, the absence of a future, the remnants of a past shadowing the dead land. Shepard’s arms ache from the harvest, her legs never anchored against the erosion around her.

When she finally looked up from the muddy ground, the sun was replaced by the stars of Akuze.

“I don’t regret this,” she responded quickly, bile rising and burning heavy through her chest, “I don’t regret living.”

“Why did you bring us here then?” the voice settled around her, an envelope of sound in contrast to the whistling wind of the planet’s surface.

“My success in the Alliance never should’ve been based on their deaths,” her palms were torn and burnt, her voice replied against the clanging of her platoon’s dog tags in her pocket

“But you won!” the exclamation and accusation clung to her skin, “You were better than them!”

“I was a lucky Biotic who had learned never to look back,” she yelled her response, the ground undulating beneath her, “I wasn’t better, I was broken in a way that saved me.”

She is Kalros, destruction worshipped and revered. She is a hymn sung in honor, a scrawled icon on a cave wall. Her face is repeated in worlds she’ll never see, her name is spoken in languages never created. Shepard inhabits her world and haunts the others. In one world her body falls lifeless on Akuze, in another she wipes floured hands on an apron and coddles a chubby legged baby with his father’s dark hair and mother’s inability to rest.

“Stop hiding Shepard!” the voice ordered, walls growing and building around her, “What do you regret?”

A countdown appears above her and the Batarian world appears on a screen, “This. I regret this.”

“But what choice did you have?” it asks, the control panel solid and sterile beneath her touch.

“I regret that I thought it was a few for the many or that their death would stop the coming battle,” Shepard leaned back in her chair, “I regret that I thought this was my choice,”

“Who is better to make that choice?” the voice grew familiar as the scene changed again, the screen of the Batarian system fading away into the battle surrounding earth.

“Anderson?” she choked out, his hand grasping to hold hers.

“Shepard, if it isn’t your choice, who should make the choice?” he asked her, his face bloodied but soft, bruises pooling under his eyes and syrupy thick blood sticking to his cheeks.

“It is no one’s choice and it is everyone’s choice,” she traced a finger over the rough skin of his knuckles, “I regret pretending that I knew best, I regret pretending I was right.”

Her mind is checkmarks against her skin, counting each loss in jagged strikes. It is a scale of brutal uneven equations and acceptable losses weighing at her back and knees. Anderson gives her a smile and her world shifts from blue to red to green before they blur together in a milky glow hiding in the corners of her vision.

“But I had to make it,” her gun pulls at her arm, “I regret carrying that burden.”

Anderson’s face blurred as the bodiless voice returned, “What do you regret Shepard?”

“I told you everything!” she yelled, “What else can I give you?”

The floor suddenly grew soft beneath her as the sounds of the battle faded into a calm white hum, a bed holding her weight and the sunlight from Vancouver streaming into her room. Her Alliance-issued pajamas hung loosely on her hips as she typed and deleted Kaidan’s name over and over in an extranet message.

“I regret that I never said I needed him, that I needed someone,” she typed into the box, “I regret that I argued that he should trust me, that I resented his questions, and that I didn’t just tell him.”

“Tell him what?” the text appeared below hers.

“That I didn’t know the way back,” her hands paused, hovering over the keyboard for a moment, tears falling from her eyes.

She is history repeated and prophecy changed and solemn platitudes murmured in solace. She is the medical report given to her mother about the loss of a baby girl in the womb and the telegram sent from the military giving condolences for a private lost on a foreign planet. Shepard is a corpse found frozen on the ground and she is set of remains recovered in an Omega alleyway. In other worlds, she is dead and everyone mourns. In other worlds, she is alive and she never knew his ruffled hair in the morning or the feeling of a platinum band jangling against her dog tags with the knowledge of who had the matching one.

“You didn’t know your way back to him?” the words blinked.

“I didn’t know the way back to me,” she typed in response.

The screen shattered as she hit enter, the reality around her falling away around her in dust and debris.

“I gave you what you want!” Shepard yelled, the wreckage around her rebuilt into her cabin on the second Normandy.

“Don’t pretend to know what I want,” the voice gave a chuckle, “There is a very large difference between what I do to play with a toy and what my actual motivation is.”

“Then why keep me?” she begged, “Why not kill me?”

“Mr. Alenko wouldn’t approve,” it answered succinctly as Shepard turned to see Kaidan reclining on her bed, “What is this memory?”

“He had made some excuse about why we needed to talk and I had plotted the entire conversation for any reason to just kiss him,” she started a slow walk towards him, Kaidan giving a smile more peaceful and less urgent than their first night in her bunk.

“What do you regret about this?” the voice almost sounded confused as Shepard sat beside him with a happy bounce.

She shook her head, “I don’t regret anything about this. He kissed me first and I was late to my morning call with Victus. This was a perfect moment.”

“Then leave it!” it commanded with a bellow.

The scene shifted to a set of bar stools on the Citadel, the dice in Shepard’s hands rattling as Joker’s voice taunted her. Liara gave Joker a smile that already declared victory as Garrus folded his arms.

“Give it up Shepard! You’d need a perfect score!” Garrus scoffed, “Just admit that Joker and I won!”

“Yeah! And make the pain I will be in tomorrow completely worth it!” Joker backed him up, meeting Liara’s gaze before sticking out his tongue.

“Really? This is what you want to remember,” the voice fumed, “This is what you waste my valuable time on.”

“I made the roll and Garrus poured another round before Tali came back from the bathroom,” Shepard beamed at her crew, “I played the next round against Kaidan and EDI who beat me solidly.”

“What do you regret Shepard?” the voice hissed as Shepard’s hand released the dice.

The victorious roll appeared as the crowd cheered at the success. As the crew swarmed around her, she gave a quick look to Garrus who held his hands in defeat before joining the celebration.

Garrus walked to stand beside her and lay an arm across her shoulder, “This is why I told you our retirement will be hustling on Omega and continuing to capture the bad guys.”

She gave herself a moment, to rest her head against him and be thankful for the chance to relive this before allowing the scene to fall away again.

“Stop this immediately!” the voice ordered, “Tell me what you regret!”

Shepard opened her eyes and found herself back in the medbay on Grissom.

“I regret letting you control this for even one minute.”


	6. Chapter 6

[](http://www.flickr.com/photos/greendelle/8829708166/)

“We have two wings of the station fully sealed off, not even powered,” Jack explained as they started down the first hallway, “We are primarily located in the west wing and east wing is still powered but vacant.”

Kaidan walked over to the wall comm terminal and tried to contact station security, but was returned with another error. “Have you been having any problems on your internal comm channels?” he asked turning back to Jack.

She checked her omnitool, “I just figured everyone was asleep.”

“I was able to raise external channels and basic station information, but anything sent on the station is thrown into a black hole,” he pointed at the terminal, “Like this, but I can’t ping your tool-.”

“Listen tech nerd, I know there must be a point,” she interrupted him, “but shouldn’t we keep moving?”

“They don’t want us communicating with each other but they want us to be able to call for help,” he explained, “Whoever they are wants people to come because they are so confident they won’t be here.”

“You think they are going to blow the station?” Jack asked, starting to pace behind him as Kaidan attempted another way into the comm system.

Kaidan continued playing with the computer, “Hopefully because that means we can stop them.” He punched in a quick code as the display blinked out for a moment and accessed a command terminal for the station. Jack watched as he quickly typed in a few lines of text and their omnitools began to blink rapidly with messages received.

“She last tried contacting me sixty minutes ago,” he reported, but saw another automated message appear from thirty minutes. The video was taken from the point of view of Shepard’s helmet, an omnitool-run security measure she had input years ago that would immediately record the scene after a severe enough trauma was detected by her armor. She had used the footage mostly for Monday morning quarterbacking analyzing the information for tactical misses and mistakes she would never make again.

The automated send feature had kicked in after the Normandy had first returned to Earth, Kaidan didn’t watch them but Shepard knew he might one day need to.

He took a breath and opened the video to see Shepard’s first unsteady attempt at standing, rattling a nearby tray of tools. The film continued with only a soundtrack of her labored breathing, focused tight on Shepard’s direct view of the floor with brief failures of trying to lift her head. She finally looked up slightly to see a familiar fMRI in the corner and a shadowy figure standing behind it. Suddenly Shepard’s view fell to the ground and lay still before the picture went black as Shepard’s device was removed.

“Where do you guys keep surgical tools and large scale scanners?” Kaidan asked as Jack looked visibly shaken from the video they had just watched.

“Mostly the Medical Annex,” she answered trying to regain her composure, “It’s in the vacant wing.”

“Let’s walk and talk,” he pointed towards the hallway, “You seem to know what’s going on? What do you think is happening to Shepard?”

Jack nodded and continued towards their goal, “Have you heard of Ayahuasca? DMT? Creeper?”

He nodded, “Not from personal experience but yes.”

“And since you’re a biotic, you know about red sand? X3?” she asked.

“Of course,” he responded, “So what is this?”

“A little of column A, a little of column B. Somewhere Shepard is tripping. Tripping hard,” Jack said trying to keep a straight face before cracking up.

“Not funny Jack,” Kaidan responded, shaking his head disapprovingly, “These kids could get hurt.”

Jack stifled her laughter, “No, every part of this is not funny, but imaging Shepard seeing pink elephants makes it a little bit funny.”

“She doesn’t even like more than two glasses of wine,” he responded, keeping a straight face, “So keep explaining.”

“I heard about this years back when I was looking for my Cerebus files and the word was Delerium repeated throughout, a drug like red sand but it didn’t just spike your levels, it convinced you there was no max. You were limitless,” she explained, “Part hallucinogen, part depressant; for humans, an out of body experience, for biotics, that plus an attempt at skipping all of the training to improve your biotics.”

“Did Cerberus do this to you?” Kaidan asked.

Jack shook her head with a disgusted chuckle, “No, they actually thought that was too dangerous. It was too expensive and wasteful for a fringe theory with only downsides when torture was so cheap and reliable.”

“Did Delirium ever actually work on Biotics?” he questioned, as they passed more rubble from the earlier explosions.

“Some kids just liked it, like doing too much shrooms at a concert but their biotic barrier was a little bit stronger the next day,” she answered, “But it wasn’t like they were just smoking pot or having a few drinks, most of them got really fucked in the head. These were drugs used originally only by shamans that they were giving to thirteen year olds and it was just destroying them. Just what the world needs, more psycho biotics.”

“Was anyone working on something like that here?” he prodded, as she whipped around angrily to glare at him.

“Are you for real Alenko?” Jack asked angrily, her biotics flaring, “I would never let them do that to these kids.”

He put his hands up and took a step back, “I didn’t say that Jack, I said was there anyone who may have been doing it in secret.”

Jack raised a fist briefly before putting it down, “If I thought anyone was, they would have had an immediate appointment with my boot.”

“Why aren’t we effected by it?” he asked confused, as she turned back and continued down the hall.

“We are a little bit, I can tell my fields are slightly stronger. But our metabolisms are wacked and screw with the drug. My amp is pretty much the only one like it in existence. My mods have been modded,” she explained, “But that isn’t something I advertise and isn’t in my file, I doubt they thought about it during planning.”

“And me?” Kaidan inquired.

“This theory came after the L2 implant fell out of use," Jack paused at the corner as Kaidan came up on her side, “They were worried we’d fall further behind the Asaris when we lost the power potential. So there is a good shot it just doesn’t work on you. Or they were hoping it would have a crazy impact and run some tests.”

“I never thought I’d find another positive to being an L2,” he checked his peripherals, and waved Jack into the hallway as they continued towards the Annex, “But since Shepard is an L3.”

“She’s tripping really hard right now,” Jack finished the thought but paused mid-step, before turning to Kaidan and motioning towards a doorway on her left. Kaidan strained and heard soft movement from inside the room. He held up a hand to tell Jack to pause as she pushed past him and into the room, her biotic energy building at her fingertips.

Kaidan ran after her as she quickly slammed the individual in the room hard against the nearby wall, “Why aren’t you passed out?”

“What did you do to my squad?” the man yelled back pulling for his gun, Kaidan taking a moment to recognize him as the officer standing watch outside their room earlier.

“Hold on!” Kaidan yelled, moving between them, “Everyone calm down!”

“Looks pretty bad Private Sierra!” Jack sneered, using her biotics to pin him to the wall.

“I skipped dinner because I wanted to be in place for my watch, my mom was living on Horizon when Shepard saved her, I wanted everything to be perfect,” his hands shook involuntarily as he dropped his hand from his gun, “I lost contact at guard switch when my relief didn’t come. I was halfway to the locker lounge when all of a sudden there are all of these explosions and I can’t wake anyone up.” The man’s voice grew more panicked as he explained, his cheeks devoid of color and thin sheen of sweat on his forehead.

“Convenient!” Jack yelled back, “You just happen to be the only one not asleep.”

“Hey, you two are awake too!,” he pointed out, “You have to believe me, I don’t know what is happening.”

She released her grip on him, “Either you are a part of it or you aren’t and either way, I want you with us. But give me your gun.”

Private Sierra nodded, handing her the weapon, “Fine, just get me out of here.”

“Nice restraint Jack,” Kaidan replied as Jack checked out the gun.

She smiled, “I know, real growth.”


	7. Chapter 7

“She’s coming out of it!” a muffled voice yelled as Shepard tried to turn her head to look but was frozen in place. A cloth strap held her head tight, facing upward, as the confinement of the white tube of the scanner filled her vision.

“Pushing one additional dose,” a second closer voice responded, as Shepard heard more movement come from near her feet. Her hands were also attached to the bed, forcing her arms at her side with an IV running into a vein. Several sets of electrodes were attached to her limbs and head and she strained against the restraints to try and sit up.

“We need her out!” the first voice ordered, ‘This is our first real adult test subject, we need to finish the scans!”

“Wait,” Shepard mumbled, trying to catch their attention as she willed her toes and fingers to move, “wait, let me talk to you.”

She felt a frigid cold rush into her hand as the injection flowed through the tube, “Please, let me talk to you.”

A light hand rested on Shepard’s leg, “It is okay dear, you’ll be asleep in a moment.”

Shepard began slowing her breathing, focusing on resting her heart rate further in an attempt to slow the rush of the drug, “Why?”

“What did she say?” the muffled voice asked as Shepard tried hard to raise her head, “Is she still awake?”

“She’s fighting it,” the second voice replied, the hand still resting on Shepard’s leg, “Come on Shepard, we don’t have all day.”

“Why?” Shepard asked again, shadows flooding her vision on all sides.

“Give her a second dose,” the first voice yelled, “Jack and Alenko are on their way and we still need to finish our tests.”

“I wish we could’ve gotten Alenko,” the second voice sighed.

“Don’t be foolish, we needed someone who didn’t live up to their biotic potential to see real spikes,” the muffled voice audibly tsked the statement, “Shepard liked robots just a little too much to practice.”

“We’ve seen your teacher’s notes from your training,” the figure at her bedside explained grabbing the IV again, “You should’ve listened to the Asari, you could’ve been brilliant.”

A second cold rush flooded Shepard’s veins as she still tried to steady herself against the growing weight on her chest. “Don’t hurt them,” she slurred her threat as the comforting hand returned to her leg.

“They won’t feel a thing,” the second voice responded as Shepard finally slipped into unconsciousness.

It is a sandy beach.

The waves of a fast approaching high tide are lapping closer to their blankets. Her mother holds down a wide brimmed hat from the wind as her father snaps a quick picture of Shepard’s gapped tooth grin in front of a sandcastle.

Shepard’s feet sink as she approaches the family, gathering their beach blanket and giggling as they try to escape the ocean inching closer. Behind her, a roar from a descending Reaper ship hangs in the air, the sun growing fainter in its shadow.

“You need to run!” she yells to her happy memory, her tinier and smiling self clutching her mother’s hand.

Her father turns looking at her with concern, “Jane, what happened to you? Your shirt is covered in blood.”

Younger Shepard approaches her future frowning, “Do you need mom? Mom will help.”

In the distance, the Reaper forces inched closer as Shepard’s biotic barrier flared to shield them, “I don’t think I can save you all.”

The waves began to rush around her feet, water escaping into their picnic basket as her mother’s hat flew away in the wind.

“Please Mom and Dad, please go,” she pleads as the family stands still in front of her, the sky still blackening with arriving ships.

Her mom’s face smiles as she approaches, Shepard’s core groaning in her tight concentration. It is a smile that appeared when they were waiting for the medics when Shepard was ten and broke her arm, and it was the last smile she had ever worn, appearing when the slavers were approaching and she need everyone to stay calm. 

“Jane, it is okay, let me help you.”

It is a hotel balcony in Vancouver.

The platinum ring glimmers in the hazy morning rays over the ocean as Kaidan kneels in worn sweatpants and Shepard realizes that she could squeal with happiness.

Her scars are still new and his hair is still long from when the Normandy finally landed again on Earth. The ring is still shining with newness and is cold on her finger.

“Are you sure?” he asks, his voice still young and hopeful.

“Can we elope?” she poses the question immediately, sitting on his still bended knee.

The first bullet hits her shoulder, throwing her quickly to the ground. The second clips the room service champagne bucket, Kaidan covering her injured form.

“This isn’t right,” new Shepard says to old Shepard, “This didn’t happen.”

Kaidan is frantic as he applies pressure to the wound, shots still firing at their crouching forms.

“I am happy,” old Shepard looks to new Shepard, “It is okay, I am happy.”

“No, this isn’t right,” the blood is soaking through the fallen Shepard’s gray jersey bathrobe and Kaidan’s worn sweatpants, “This didn’t happen.”

Old Kaidan turns to stare at the vision and begins yelling out orders, “You need to help us. I need to get her inside the room.”

She shook her head, a sticky burgundy puddle growing around her boots, “This didn’t happen.”

“Jane, this is happening and it is happening now,” he orders with a slight quaver in his voice, “So help me save her!”

She scanned the nearby balconies until the shooter came into gaze and shifted her biotic fields to begin tearing him apart.

Kaidan swung open the balcony door and began pulling the limp body inside. He turned to look back at her, offering his outreached hand.

“You must have been hit, you’re bleeding. Let me help you.”

It is quiet on the Citadel.

The rubble hangs heavy on her stomach, as her cuts reopen and fractures return.

She blinks her eyes and she’s in the scanner. She blinks them again and she’s back on the Citadel, watching her former-self struggle to stand.

The walls are bending and shifting around her, but the wreckage clings to her body.

Shepard watches as her younger self struggles in the mess.

“Let me help you,” she holds her hands up, begging her to stop moving.

“Are you okay?” her broken body groans, “You’re bleeding.”

Shepard places a hand to her abdomen and pulls away with a coppery stain on her palm.

“I’m okay,” she moves to her memory’s side, “Let me help you.”

The days before she was rescued had remained fuzzy in her mind, three days passing in the silence of the station before the empty hum of her communicator turned into voices and promises. The Lazarus Project had saved her again, clotting and preserving her under the shards of metal and slices of the remains of lost progress.

Her memory is serenity reflecting in Shepard’s growing panic, “You aren’t okay! Let me help you.”

“They’ll come,” she responds through swollen eyes and with parched voice, “I saved them and they will come.”

“What if they don’t?” her anger began to rise, her biotics shaking the ruins and deterius around her, “What if no one comes?”

“They will come, I saved them and they will come.”

It is a tiny cafe with the best tacos.

Liara is explaining to the table how different genes determine how cilantro tastes as Tali finishes her drink, two dextro-margaritas ahead of Shepard. Garrus’ calm request to pace herself goes ignored as starts her fourth and the table breaks out into giggles as several more pitchers of drinks are laid in front of them.

“Shepard,” Tali slurs her name, “You’re bleeding.”

“I’m okay,” Shepard’s feet touch Kaidan’s beneath the table, “Keep eating.”

James flirts with the pretty girl at the counter as Joker complains that their food will get cold. Liara’s explanation turns into how peppers are classified by their heat.

“Shepard,” Tali slurs again, “You’re still bleeding.”

“I’m fine,” she responds, her hand clutching the wound, “It doesn’t hurt.”

The restaurant snaps out of her vision as she’s surrounded again by the white of the scanner. Her eyes flutter and the scanner’s spotless surface refracts into the rainbow of twinkling lights twining through the restaurant's ceiling.

“Shepard?” Kaidan whispers underneath the ambient noise of their dinner, “It is okay if it hurts.”

A voice boomed through the memory, “Another dose! We’re almost done!”

Shepard blinked her eyes again as the cantina faded and reality reassembled around her.

The machine whirred around her covering the noise of her biotics snapping the restraints and tugging the IV out of her hand.

“We need to go Doctor!” the muffled voice yelled as Shepard struggled to free herself from the tube.

The next sound of a body hitting glass with force echoes in the tiny room, followed by a familiar combat boot covered stride.

“Leaving so soon?” Jack’s voice growled as Shepard finally pulled free from the scanner.

Kaidan emerged in the doorway with Private Sierra, giving Shepard a relieved smile before turning to the two figures.

“I think all we have some questions first,” he stated, his biotics quickly gathering at his hand.


	8. Chapter 8

“Interesting!” Dr. Gomez exclaimed, approaching cautiously, “No hallucinogenic effect from the drug but it looks like both subjects are biotically spiking.”

“And good job bringing them in Sierra,” Siobhan cheered from the control room behind glass, “You’ve been so helpful!”

Jack whipped around, eyes blazing, and began to approach the private. “I knew you were a liar!” she screamed, her biotics rippling around her, “I knew I was right!”

“I don’t know what Dr. Flannery is talking about!” he immediately began to deny it, his back to the wall, “I don’t know what’s going on!”

“You can drop the act,” Beatriz smiled at him, “We’re getting off the station.”

Private Sierra turned to Kaidan, pleading, “Don’t believe them. I have nothing to do with this!”

Kaidan’s next movement was subtle but quick, a thrust of his arm that sent Sierra slamming into a nearby wall. The Private slumped onto the ground, his body limp from the impact.

Dr. Gomez gasped, taking a step back, “That was impressive. Is he dead? I’ve read that you’ve killed before.”

“Beatriz, it isn’t nice to taunt,” Dr. Flannery spoke confidently, “Although Rear Admiral, your takedown of that Turian asshole on Gagarin was beautiful. A cleanly broken Turian neck by a child is a real achievement.”

Jack turned to the small control room and sent out a shockwave that shook but did not shatter the glass. “Why don’t you come out here and be a bitch to our face?” she asked as Dr. Flannery grinned wider.

“Oh, just jealous I am not complimenting your murder? No one is impressed with your complete lack of art or care,” Siobhan rolled her eyes, “Sorry about the glass, we had it built to protect us from crazy biotics.”

“That’s ok,” Jack darted towards Dr. Gomez, wrapping an arm around her neck, “It doesn’t look like your girlfriend gets the same protection.”

Dr. Flannery’s eyes flashed briefly with panic before regaining her calm, “Beatriz and I both agreed to this knowing it was potentially a one way trip.”

“I’m not afraid to die,” Dr. Gomez choked out, “This is for the greater good and Siobhan was always worth it.”

“What about your husband?” Jack asked slightly shocked her attempted insult had been correct.

“Kurt?” Siobhan chuckled derisively, “Kurt is clueless, weak, and asleep like every other person on this station. But his security clearance is spectacular and his wealth bought a lot of sedatives and a lot of very expensive chemicals to synthesize Delirium.”

“Why?” Shepard asked, trying and failing to stand on her own beside the scanner. Her fingers gripped the sides tightly as she stumbled towards Kaidan.

“You!” Beatriz snapped, still held in place by Jack’s grasp, “You did this!”

“Beatriz, calm down,” Dr. Flannery ordered as the younger woman stood down, “It doesn’t matter that it is true, they won’t be able to understand.”

Kaidan shook his head, “Let me guess, best intentions? Help the children by drugging them again their will and causing them pain? That sounds like psychosis to me.”

“You should understand though,” Beatriz responded, “Your power comes with consequences, but they are worth it. You would’ve gotten rid of the L2 years ago if not. Jump Zero may have been hard but the children succeeded.”

“I guess your husband’s security clearance wasn’t high enough for the redacted parts,” Kaidan scowled, “It is hard to call something a success when half of the participants are dead and the other half are miserable.”

Shepard finally reached his side, leaning against him as he threw an arm around her waist.

“Judge us all you want!” Beatriz yelled, “We don’t have a choice!”

”All of our roads lead to Shepard,” Siobhan explained, “Shepard’s choice killed our group’s AI work, Shepard’s choice has made the galaxy terrified of even service robots, Shepard’s choice has convinced everyone that biotics are reckless and have a god-complex.”

“Without Asari physiology and with all of the funding redirected into synthetic studies, human biotic progress has stopped,” Beatriz started to cry, “We need this drug to catch up.”

“So you use Shepard as a lab rat?” Jack scoffed.

Beatriz ignored the comment, growing more frantic and looking to Kaidan again, “I thought you would understand! This is to help biotics!”

Siobhan grimaced at Jack, “Shepard is just one of a station full of test subjects but she’s also a symbol. An attack on the school, covered in signs of obvious explosions, and all routes of exit destroyed. The death of the children and of Shepard will redirect funding to ensuring biotic supremacy.”

“So your brilliant plan is to die too?” Jack tightened the grip on Beatriz’s neck, “No problem here.”

“All of our research was transmitted off of the station before we even started talking,” Siobhan laughed, “And I always have an exit strategy.”

Beatriz’s breathing calmed down under Jack’s watch, “And I’m not afraid to die. We need to make sure the research survives.”

“You ignorant and misguided sociopath.” Shepard snapped, finally standing on her own, “You aren’t leaving this station unless it is in the custody of an Alliance prison ship.”

The first charge of energy came unexpectedly, ricocheting through Shepard’s body and forcing cracks through the glass in front of Siobhan. Beatriz gasped as the second charge threw her and Jack backwards, Shepard taking another step forward and directing another mass effect field at the window.

“Amazing!” Siobhan yelled, her image continuing to shatter as a third blast came off of Shepard, “This is that potential I mentioned!”

[](http://www.flickr.com/photos/greendelle/8829707816/)

Shepard stumbled, laying her hands on the barrier once again, “What is happening?”

“Jane, are you okay?” Kaidan asked from behind her, point his weapon at Siobhan, “What did you do to her?”

“Admiral Shepard has had the highest dose we’ve ever tested,” Beatriz exclaimed, frozen on the floor in awe, “The drug isn’t only a training tool, from what we can tell, 30-65% of all testees undergo massive mass effect field spikes during use.”

Shepard turned to face Kaidan, her hands bathed in blue energy and her eyes wide with worry, “Something is wrong.”

“Jane, you’re bleeding,” he stared at her midsection, the blood from her wound soaking through her shirt, “Are you okay?”

“Beatriz forgot to mention,” Siobhan explained with a mocking sincerity, “The energy may tear her apart. Hopefully not. Doesn’t matter, the Alliance will assume she died during the attack on the station.”

Shepard fell to her knees, coughs shaking her body as the energy continued to build on her limbs.

Jack applied quick pressure on Beatriz’s neck as her body went limp. “I’m done with the batshit crazy villain backstory,” Jack jumped to her feet, walking to stand near Shepard at the window, “Thanks for starting the cracks Shep, I’ll finish her off.”

Jack gestured and pulled Siobhan’s body into the window, the glass shattering around the impact. She hit the floor with a sickening thud, her head slamming into the ground.

“It doesn’t matter,” she mumbled through a bloodied mouth, “Either I get off the station or we all die. The wheel is already in motion.”

Kaidan approached the fallen woman and began to leach her lifeforce from her, “Tell me how to save her!”

Siobhan cried out in pain, “But you’re all going to die! What does it matter how?”

“Tell me,” he ordered, “tell me and I will let you live.”

“The station will be destroyed,” her body trembled as he continued his task, “You won’t stop it.”

A voice spoke up from the door, “The self-destruct has been disabled, the station is not going to explode. So help Shepard!”

“Charles?” she choked out, “You should be asleep.”


	9. Chapter 9

It wasn’t real.

She had seen the real void of shadows and the white noise of static that fills your ears when the end is on you. Her muscles had each failed as the oxygen escaped her lungs and her last memory had been a surprise over how long her mind stayed alert.

Her fall had been an endless repeat of backlit glowing images of days she wouldn’t live.

It had been real and it had been endless.

This was too quick like the lights switched off in a room or the shredding of a document into easily disposed of pieces.

The stark white room had built around her, filled with silence besides a distant echo of her name and empty besides her first tutor standing sentry in front of her.

Shepard and a few classmates had warranted a special teacher on the colony after someone had noticed the increased rate of element zero exposure amongst their homesteader parents. The Alliance had decided to capitalize on the happy coincidence, making an attempt to engage the colonist children to hopefully enlist them as adults.

The young Asari had arrived when Shepard was eight and left when she was thirteen, funding cut from the budget and delivered to the planning budget of a future biotic school.

“Jane,” Milada instructed, “You need to listen to me.”

A stain grew at Shepard’s feet, a steady drip of blood falling from her fingers.

“I miss you,” Shepard smiled sleepily, “I think I need to go.”

“You do need to go,” Milada took Shepard’s hand, “But first you need to listen.”

“But I’m so tired,” she frowned, her knees falling fast towards the ground.

Her eyes lulled back in her head as the medical bay came back into view.

“Shepard!” Jack screamed as Kaidan lifted her onto the surgery gurney.

“Help her,” Charles snatched Siobhan off the floor by the arm, “Help her now.”

“Turn on the automated system,” Siobhan winced from his grip, “Let the VI take care of the wound but Shepard will have to control the biotic fields so her heart doesn’t explode from the energy.”

Her vision grew white again as the simple vacant room appeared again, Milada still standing in front of her. The dark rusty stain had grown larger as the streams of blood had sped up, falling from her pale fingers.

“Jane, you need to listen to me,” she instructed again, Shepard kneeling in front of her.

“Where did you go?” she asked with a frown, “You were my first teacher.”

“You know where I went,” Milada smiled, “I went back to Thessia. My wife had our first child the next year.”

Shepard stared at her with shame, “I wish I had saved them in the attack on the city. I saw their names. I sent flowers.”

“Jane, it isn’t time for this,” her tone grew more serious, “You need to contain the energy.”

Kaidan’s voice bled into the white room, “Jane? Can you hear me?”

“Kaid?" she responded weakly, her vision again returning to the medbay.

He ran his hand over her hair, before the glass of the surgical machine closed around her. The wound on her stomach still wept as the surgical program started, a quick shot of anesthesia jabbed in her arm.

Milada’s calm face returned in her sight, “Remember the meditation I taught you?”

“Always,” the steady fall of blood had been joined with tears falling down her cheeks, “But it hurts. This hurts.”

“There are factories in the universe where stars are churned from pressure and dust,” Milada’s voice stayed even, “There are tears in reality where light cannot escape from the pull of gravity.”

“I don’t understand,” Shepard’s voice shook with fear, “I don’t understand what you mean.”

“Jane, you are not a woman or a human or just a player in the story,” Milada placed a hand on each cheek, “You are creation and destruction and you fill the space between atoms with a constant darkness. You are calculations of impact and the points in a constellation and you define c, the constant speed of light spilling across a vacuum. No mass effect field or drug will ever destroy a force like you.”

Shepard reached to her abdomen again, her hand returned with no evidence of the former injury.

“You need to control the energy,” Milada explained, moving to hold Shepard’s hands, “We can do it together for a little while.”

The vitals on the surgical capsule slowly grew stronger as Kaidan watched the tools and lasers make quick work of her wounds, the air growing calmer as her mass effect fields settled subtly.

Charles and Jack began arranging the unconscious bodies of Sierra and Dr. Gomez against one wall in an attempt to organize the scene.

“Are you sure about Sierra?” Charles asked Jack confused, “He just seems like a nice young kid.”

Kaidan turned to acknowledge the question, “We’ll let the Alliance sort him out.”

“We were just messing with you,” Siobhan sneered, “Two against two seemed like better odds.”

Jack approached the injured woman and reached to pull her next to the other two.

“Be careful, I think you broke my wrist,” Siobhan shied from Jack’s grasp.

Jack’s hand wrapped around Siobhan’s wrist and gave a hard tug, “Thanks for the heads up.”

“How long should this take?” Kaidan turned to Siobhan who was clutching her limb.

“Ten minutes? An hour?” Siobhan shrugged dismissively, “Depends how injured she is.”

Jack shook her head and grabbed Siobhan’s wrist again to squeeze, “How about you stop being a complete bitch and help?”

Siobhan spat blood at Jack’s face and grinned through red streaked teeth, “Screw all of you. I’ll never make it into custody anyways.”

“We aren’t going to kill you,” Kaidan responded as Jack kicked the sitting woman roughly, “Although it might be very unpleasant until the Alliance gets here.”

“I didn’t say that you would kill me,” Siobhan rolled her eyes, “Beatriz and I knew if we didn’t make it off the station, it was a one way trip.”

“Who is going to kill you?” he asked confused, “Is it your group you mentioned?”

“Like I’d tell you anything about it,” she shook her head at Kaidan before turning to Charles, “Charles, one question for a dead woman, how are you awake? You’re a biotic, the Delirium should have had an effect.”

Charles froze at the question, Kaidan and Jack also looking to the visibly shaken man for an answer.

“My background files are faked,” he started to explain, “It says I’m an L3 sentinel focused biotic who studied Engineering on my Alliance Education stipend. That I grew up in Oslo and my parents were ambassadors.”

“Then what is the truth?” Jack asked in an accusatory voice.

Charles swallowed hard, “Most of it is true, but I’m not from Oslo and I don’t know where my parents are. I was rescued by the Alliance from biotics group when I was fourteen.”

“Was it Cerebus?” Jack continued to inquiry, Kaidan and Siobhan becoming observers of the interview.

“They didn’t have a name, not one that I knew,” he explained, “The Alliance believes I was either stolen or sold to them, it was me and five other children. We were the original Delirium test subjects.”

“You built an immunity!” Siobhan announced victoriously, “This is really amazing news. I wish I could attach it to my results that I sent.”

“The Alliance offered me the chance at early enlistment and I’ve been with them since,” Charles continued ignoring Siobhan’s outburst, “I came to Grissom to assist with biotic amp research and they agreed to provide me with a background so I could blend in easier with the staff.”

Jack smiled at Charles as all of their omnitools began to chime, “You and me have to compare notes when this is over.”

Joker’s voice rang out, “Does someone want to come unlock the door? The cavalry has officially arrived.”


	10. Chapter 10

When her eyes finally opened on the view of the Presidium from Huerta, her hand first reached to feel the ring dangling from the chain around her neck. It was cool against her skin and weighed her palm with a confirmation of her state.

She turned slowly to see Kaidan sitting half asleep at her bedside, his face worn from stress and fatigue. The IV attached to her moved with her, stitches tender and streaked across her limbs.

“Is this real?” she asked in a hoarse voice.

Kaidan quickly sat up at the sound, “Jane? Yes, this is real.”

“Prove it,” she coughed, as he moved to grab a pitcher of water and began pouring her a glass.

“I would pinch you, but I think you’re in enough pain,” he handed her the cup which she took quickly and drained it, “But you’ve been in the hospital for two days so far, they had to give you two transfusions but you’re doing better.”

She nodded as he poured another glass, “And the students?”

“Everyone is fine and accounted for,” Kaidan reassured her, “Charles and Jack are helping get them medical care and counseling.

Shepard tried to sit up in bed, her midsection still tight and sore from the wound tracing across it, “Do I need to talk to the Alliance or the Council yet? Can I observe Dr. Flannery’s questioning?” She pulled the blankets from her legs and grimaced as she tried to move her feet off of the bed.

Kaidan rushed to her side, pulling the sheets back over her, “You aren’t going anywhere. I’ve given our initial report about the incident and you can speak to everyone after you’ve rested.”

“What about Siobhan and Beatriz?” Shepard asked, relenting to him and staying in bed.

He paused briefly as if to arrange his thoughts, “They were both found dead in their cells last night. Right now it is a presumed suicide.”

Shepard immediately began trying to leave her bed again, “You know that isn’t true. We need to get out there. Figure out who did this.”

Kaidan put a hand on her leg to stop her, “Jane, you need to rest, we have time to find out what happened.”

She nodded slowly, allowing him to tuck her back into bed, “You only call me Jane like that when you are nervous.”

“You make me nervous sometimes,” he responded, tracing circles on her palm, “But it is a good nervous and I like calling you Jane sometimes.”

“How nervous did I make you this time?” she smiled, “Gray hair producing nervous?”

“You promised me you were coming back, I knew it would be fine,” Kaidan said, “So I’d say only responsible for a few wrinkles. Next time though, we are staying together.”

“Is it true what you said on the ship?” she asked quietly, his hand finally resting in hers, “That everyone from Jump Zero was either dead or miserable?”

Kaidan paused, running his free hand through his hair with a slight sigh.

“I was miserable for a very long time,” he started, “Even after I got assigned to the Normandy, I didn’t know how to be happy.”

“And now?” her voice was still low, but his hand was still firmly entwined with hers.

“If I could tell that unhappy boy that one day he would be fighting the bad guys and saving his love,” Kaidan grinned, “I think it would’ve made everything easier. Knowing that I was working towards this life.”

[](http://www.flickr.com/photos/greendelle/8829707470/)

Her smile widened to match his, “I love you Kaidan.”

“I love you too,” he responded, kissing her firmly on her forehead.

“You owe me a pie,” she said with a straight face

“You owe me a tiny bathing suit,” he raised an eyebrow.

“Let me just sleep a little while,” she yawned, “I’ll be ready for a bathing suit in no time. And Kaidan?”

“Yes, Shepard,” he leaned back in the chair again, his eyelids heavy.

“You can sleep too,” her eyes slowly began to shut, “Just be here when I wake up.”

“Always.”


	11. Chapter 11

_One Week Later_

“Kaidan, please let me out of bed,” Shepard yelled from the top floor of her apartment, “The doctors discharged me and the Alliance is rubber stamping my return tomorrow! I want to go out!”

“Don’t you dare take a step out of that bed!” his voice yelled back, “I have been baking all day while you’ve been sleeping.”

“I was wondering what that delicious smell was,” she responded, “I need to taste this blue ribbon pie for myself.“

Kaidan appeared in the doorway holding two steaming plates and naked except for the apron Shepard had bought for his last birthday.

“Have I told you that I’m the luckiest woman in world lately?” she chuckled as he approached the bed and handed her the plates.

He gave a sly grin, “And you haven’t even tried the pie yet.”

She put it on the nightstand before grabbing drawstrings of the apron and pulling him towards her.

“I’m sure it will be delicious cold too.”

_Two Weeks Later_

“You took care of things?” the voice asked from the shadows.

Sierra nodded, “Flannery and Gomez were true believers of our cause. They fulfilled their task on the station and deserved a quick and dignified end.”

“And you say that they protected you?” a second voice asked, seated beside the first voice at a long table.

“They took me out of the final fight and then absolved me of any role in the attack,” he explained calmly, “Our continued secrecy is thanks to their willingness to die for our future.”

“Their research will be indispensable,” a third and final voice spoke from the panel, “And the sale of their information about Shepard’s brain scans and confessions will help fund our next action.”

Sierra stood and gave a respectful bow.

“I’ll report back in a month. Everything is going to plan.”


End file.
